


Mean Romans

by lily_winterwood



Category: Classical Greece and Rome History & Literature RPF, Julius Caesar - Shakespeare, Mean Girls (2004)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Mean Girls Parody Trailer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 23:28:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1797274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_winterwood/pseuds/lily_winterwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Four for you, Metellus Cimber! You go, Metellus Cimber! … And none for Marcus Cicero, bye." (<i>Julius Caesar</i>, Mean Girls-style)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mean Romans

**Author's Note:**

> Let's pretend that this is a modern Roman Republic, because I really want to see Cicero with a mobile phone (doncha know he's really rich because his dad invented chickpeas?). 
> 
> Let's also pretend that Cicero got along enough with Caesar and Antony and that he was liberal enough to be one of the Populares (we all know historically he sided with the Optimates, especially during that whole Pompey business). I rather like referring to the Plastics as the Populares.
> 
> Basically, in the name of puns and parody, history and Shakespeare have been fudged a bit.

INT. MS CAESARIS’S CLASSROOM AT ROME HIGH - DAY

_MARCUS BRUTUS is standing to the side of the classroom, his satchel lightly hanging off his shoulder, looking extremely uncertain of himself. At the head, PRINCIPAL SULLA is standing next to MS CAESARIS, the teacher._

PRINCIPAL SULLA: We have a new student with us; they just moved here from Cyprus.

_MS CAESARIS gestures to CLEOPATRA, grinning._

MS CAESARIS: Welcome!

_CLEOPATRA raises a sceptical eyebrow._

CLEOPATRA: I’m from Egypt.

_MS CAESARIS’S cheery expression slips; she looks a bit mad with herself._

MS CAESARIS: ...Great!

Fade into

_A FILMSTRIP TITLE SEQUENCE, with pictures of BRUTUS in Cyprus with his family._

BRUTUS (V.O.): I’m sixteen, and until today, I was homeschooled. And then it was goodbye Cyprus, and hello high school.

_The filmstrip fades into BRUTUS walking through the garden complex in front of Rome High. He looks around, slightly terrified of the OTHER STUDENTS who are talking in clusters. SOMEONE has set something on fire._

Cut to

INT. MS CAESARIS’S CLASSROOM - DAY

_BRUTUS takes a seat next to GAIUS CASSIUS and PUBLIUS CASCA._

BRUTUS: Hi, I’m Brutus.

CASSIUS: I’m Cassius. This is Casca.

_Cut to CASCA getting his groove on at the Floralia Dance. Cut to a crowded hallway, with CASCA foraging a way through the crowd, followed by BRUTUS and CASSIUS._

CASCA: Watch out, new meat coming through!

Cut to

EXT. ROME HIGH ATHLETIC FIELD _S -_ DAY

_Focus on an intricate map of Rome High’s cafeteria, also known as the Forum. Each of the tables in the Forum has been labelled with a group’s name._

CASSIUS (V.O.): This map shows the school’s central nervous system: the Forum _._

_Fade from the map into the actual Forum. The COOL GREEKS (not to be confused with the GREEK NERDS, who are Athenian philosophy students) are sitting at their table, chatting amicably._

CASSIUS (V.O.): You got your cool Greeks...

_Camera rapidly cuts to the BIBONII, who are laughing drunkenly over bowls of wine._

CASSIUS (V.O.): Bibonii…

_Camera rapidly cuts to two GLADIATORS, butting heads over their table._

CASSIUS (V.O.): Gladiators…

_Camera rapidly cuts to CASCA and CASSIUS. CASCA is blowing a kiss, while CASSIUS stares lean and hungrily at the camera._

CASSIUS (V.O.): The greatest people you will ever meet…

_Camera rapidly cuts to the POPULARES, sitting on one side of the table as a united front of disapproval. The other three chairs on the other side of the table are completely empty._

CASSIUS (V.O.): And the worst.

Cut to

INT. POPULARE TABLE AT THE FORUM - DAY

_JULIUS CAESAR leans over the table at BRUTUS._

CAESAR: So you’ve never been to a real school before?

_BRUTUS shakes his head. CAESAR gasps in delight._

CAESAR: Shut up. _Shut up!_

_BRUTUS looks uneasy._

BRUTUS: I didn’t say anything?

Cut to

EXT. ROME HIGH ATHLETIC FIELDS - DAY

_Back to CASSIUS and CASCA the afternoon they introduce BRUTUS to the nuances of Rome High. CASSIUS’s expression is disdainful._

CASSIUS: The Populares.

_BRUTUS looks confused._

BRUTUS: Who are the Populares?

_Brief cutaway to the POPULARES striding in slow motion down a hallway._

CASCA (V.O.): They’re Rome’s royalty.

_Back at the fields, a shirtless MARK ANTONY claps his hands to catch a ball. He misses it, though, and it hits his crotch. He doubles over._

CASSIUS (V.O.): That’s Mark Antony. He is one of the dumbest people you will ever meet.

Cut to

INT. ANTONY’S VILLA - DAY

_ANTONY leans in towards BRUTUS as if he’s divulging a secret._

ANTONY: I’m kind of a haruspex.

_BRUTUS nods sceptically._

BRUTUS: ... _Really_.

_ANTONY laughs._

ANTONY: Yeah, I’m really into gardening.

_BRUTUS nods again, looking vaguely disappointed but clearly hiding it._

Cut to

EXT. ROME HIGH ATHLETIC FIELDS - DAY

_Back at the fields, MARCUS CICERO is busy talking on his mobile, and get hit in the head by another ball._

CASSIUS (V.O.): Marcus Cicero.

_Cut to CHARMIAN talking to the camera enthusiastically._

CHARMIAN: He has two purple togas, and a horse. With toes.

_Back at the field, a group of GUYS DRESSED AS LEGIONNAIRES are carrying CAESAR onto the field. After CAESAR is set down, he blows the LEGIONNAIRES a kiss._

CASSIUS (V.O.): And evil takes a human form in Julius Caesar.

_Cutaway to CAESAR whispering to ANTONY and CICERO, and then grinning manipulatively._

CASSIUS (V.O.): He knows everything about everyone.

_Back at the field, CASCA turns from the field to look at BRUTUS._

CASCA: That’s why his toga’s so big. It’s full of secrets.

Cut to

INT. POPULARE TABLE AT THE FORUM - DAY

_CICERO leans in across the table towards BRUTUS._

CICERO: We want to invite you to have lunch with us.

_BRUTUS’s eyes dart towards CAESAR, who grins in a way that is meant to be friendly, but really is just a friendly veneer over a feral smirk._

BRUTUS (V.O.): Caesar seems… friendly!

Cut to

EXT. ROME HIGH ATHLETIC FIELDS - DAY

_BRUTUS is looking offscreen towards PORCIA CATONIS. CAESAR, CICERO, and ANTONY pull up in a white convertible. CAESAR honks the horn to get BRUTUS’s attention._

CAESAR: Get in, loser, we’re going campaigning!

Cut to

EXT. CAESAR’S VILLA - DAY

_CAESAR’s car pulls up to the villa. BRUTUS looks up at it in awe._

BRUTUS: Your villa is really nice.

_CAESAR strides towards the villa with a self-satisfied smirk._

CAESAR: I know, right?

Cut to

INT. ROME HIGH HALLWAY - DAY

_The POPULARES and BRUTUS are striding down the corridor. This should be the same shot from before where the POPULARES were first introduced as a group. BRUTUS seems uneasy in his new toga and sandals, but he’s also hiding that as best as he can._

BRUTUS (V.O.): Being with the Populares was like leaving the actual world and entering Political World.

_BRUTUS trips and falls into a trash can._

Cut to

INT. POPULARE TABLE AT THE FORUM - DAY

_CICERO grins across the table at BRUTUS, who is sitting next to ANTONY._

CICERO: So, have you seen anyone who you think is cute, again?

BRUTUS: There’s this girl in my philosophy class.

_Insert shots: PORCIA CATONIS’s face in profile, BRUTUS staring at her dreamily before reaching out to tap her shoulder._

BRUTUS: Her name’s Porcia Catonis.

_ANTONY and CICERO gasp._

CICERO: No!

ANTONY: No!

CICERO: That’s Caesar’s ex-girlfriend!

_Insert shots: PORCIA turning to look at BRUTUS, who continues to stare back at her silently._

CICERO: Ex-girlfriends are off-limits! I mean, that’s just like, the rules of Virtus or something!

_ANTONY nods, looking a bit vacant. There’s the sound of a phone ringing, as we —_

Cut to

INT. BRUTUS'S AND CAESAR'S VILLAS - NIGHT

_Split screen between the two villas. CAESAR and BRUTUS are on the phone from their respective villas. BRUTUS is looking apprehensive._

CAESAR: Cicero told me that you liked Porcia Catonis. I could talk to her for you if you want.

_BRUTUS stares incredulously at the phone, almost as if he’s wondering if it’s too good to be true. (It is.)_

BRUTUS: R-really? You would do that?

Cut to

INT. MEDITRINALIA PARTY AT SOMEONE’S VILLA - NIGHT

_We see, amongst the other Rome High students gathered at this party with their bowls of wine, CAESAR and PORCIA standing close to one another. CAESAR is looking down at PORCIA, his gaze sultry._

CAESAR: ...You’re so hot…

_CAESAR leans down, wrapping his arms around PORCIA, and they kiss. BRUTUS gasps in horror, as we —_

Cut to

INT. CASSIUS’S VILLA - CONTINUOUS

_CASSIUS and CASCA, who were not at the party, are comforting BRUTUS, who is crying into a bowl of wine._

BRUTUS: Why would he do that?

CASSIUS: He’s a life-ruiner.

Cut to

INT. POPULARE TABLE AT THE FORUM - DAY

_BRUTUS arrives at the table, his expression carefully neutral._

BRUTUS (V.O.): I knew how this would be settled in the Coliseum.

_BRUTUS snarls and tackles CAESAR, stabbing him repeatedly with a cafeteria spork._

BRUTUS (V.O.): But this was Political World. All of the fighting had to be sneaky.

_The shot freezes, cutting back to before BRUTUS tackles CAESAR. He smiles at CAESAR instead, though the smile doesn’t reach his eyes._

_Insert shot: A hand reaches out and plucks a photo of Brutus and Caesar side-by-side off the wall._

_Back to the table. BRUTUS has taken a seat across from CAESAR as if the previous stabbing fantasy hasn’t taken place._

CAESAR: I want to lose three pounds.

BRUTUS: My mother has this special diet that helps her lose weight.

_CAESAR raises an eyebrow, clearly interested. He leans in, as we —_

Cut to

INT. A VERY UPSCALE JEWELLERY STORE - DAY

_CAESAR is shopping for a crown, and has dragged ANTONY, CICERO, and BRUTUS along. As ANTONY removes one of the crowns — or rather, coronets — from CAESAR’s head, a good chunk of CAESAR’s hair follows it._

ANTONY: Oh Gods, your hair!

_CAESAR seems oblivious to his thinning pate._

CAESAR: What’s wrong with it?

_The SHOPKEEPER looks dismissively at them._

SHOPKEEPER: It’s falling out.

_CAESAR gasps in horror._

Cut to

EXT. BRUTUS’S VILLA - NIGHT

_CAESAR has just stormed out of BRUTUS’s villa, where a party is taking place, followed by his current girlfriend, CALPURNIA PISONIS. At his car, CAESAR reaches out to pat gingerly at his hair, which he has combed over and covered with a laurel wreath. A couple more tufts of hair fall out._

CALPURNIA: Are you on the Servilia diet?

_CAESAR looks up, eyes narrowed._

CAESAR: What?

CALPURNIA: It makes you lose hair like crazy.

_CAESAR grits his teeth, and we fade into a:_

MONTAGE - VARIOUS

1) INT. POPULARE TABLE AT THE FORUM - DAY - _CAESAR, freshly shunned from the POPULARES for wearing a hood on Monday, bumps into a PLEBIAN._

2) INT. FLORALIA DANCE IN ROME HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT - _BRUTUS, wearing a garland for his victory in the philosophy tournament, dances with PORCIA. They kiss._

3) INT. ROME HIGH GYMNASIUM LOCKERS - DAY - _CALPURNIA scrambles to refasten her stola as CAESAR springs away from her._

4) INT. PRINCIPAL SULLA’S OFFICE - DAY - _BRUTUS and CAESAR pass each other. CAESAR glares; BRUTUS looks on impassively._

5) EXT. BRUTUS’S VILLA - NIGHT - _CAESAR and CALPURNIA are in CAESAR’s car, looking acutely offended at not being invited to the party._

CAESAR: Who does he think he is? I like, invented him.

6) INT. BRUTUS’S VILLA - NIGHT - _CICERO and TERENTIA are hiding in BRUTUS’s bathroom. Upon being discovered, TERENTIA slaps CICERO._

7) INT. ROME HIGH AUDITORIUM - NIGHT - _The POPULARES and BRUTUS are dancing in extremely skimpy Saturnalia outfits._

8) INT. POPULARE TABLE AT THE FORUM - DAY - _A tray of food slides into ANTONY’s lap._

9) INT. BATHROOM - DAY - _CICERO bursts into tears._

10) INT. ROME HIGH HALLWAY - DAY - _The fire sprinklers come on in the middle of a giant brawl in the school corridors, drenching BRUTUS, ANTONY, and CICERO along with many other students._

11) INT. CAESAR’S VILLA - NIGHT - _CAESAR storms into his room, screaming and knocking things down._

CAESAR: ET TU, BRUTE?

END MONTAGE

Cut to

INT. ROME HIGH GYMNASIUM - DAY

_ANTONY is standing on a stage, reading from a card._

ANTONY: I’m sorry I laughed at you —

_ANTONY trust-falls into the other students, who catch him. CLEOPATRA ascends the stage after him._

CLEOPATRA: I’m sorry I called you fat.

_CLEOPATRA trust-falls into the other students, rolling her eyes heavily. CICERO ascends the stage._

CICERO: I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular.

_The other students step away, leaving only ANTONY to catch CICERO when he falls. The two are promptly squished with a loud thunk. MS CAESARIS springs forward anxiously towards the two prone students._

MS CAESARIS: Walk it off, walk it off!

_ANTONY and CICERO groan._

 

TITLE CARD: MEAN ROMANS

 

INT. MEDITRINALIA PARTY AT SOMEONE’S VILLA - NIGHT

_The camera moves down the hallway past students dressed for the occasion with glasses of wine. It stops at the hearth, where ANTONY is talking to CICERO and BRUTUS while looking across the room._

ANTONY: You know who’s looking fine tonight? Antonia Hybrida.

_BRUTUS turns to follow ANTONY’S gaze, but CICERO looks at ANTONY sceptically._

CICERO: She _is_ your cousin.

_ANTONY turns back to CICERO, expression defensive._

ANTONY: What? She’s a good kisser.

Fade to black.


End file.
